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By A Beauty School Scarlet I was a witness of domestic violence, I was a victim of domestic violence and now I am a survivor of domestic violence.
Domestic violence usually starts at a young age with self-esteem issues and I wrote about it because I want to empower young women and girls to embrace beauty from the inside out.
Learned Helplessness He comes, seeking veni vidi vici Stopping the War A Lie The Seed Standing Tall Please don't put me in this box ... Pathetic and cruel Down, down you fall At last I am standing tall ...
Silence of a Bird If I cry alone Epitaph to a Marriage We open our hearts so freely Hope Who? We've got it all You've got that look again It is a sure thing ...
I am sharing a side of me that I have rarely share publicly because I hope to bring awareness to the issue of domestic violence, and that beauty starts from the inside out.
As a child, I watched my father abuse my mother, as a teen, I was abused physically by a high school boyfriend and verbally as an adult.
For Eighteen years as a tiny seed I was buffeted Swirling through the eddy of a tumultuous young early life No chance of settling anywhere No chance of tentatively putting out a root No chance of a tender green shoot At twenty I was scooped up Longing for roots to grow and shoots to appear ~ this was it I was excited, my life adventure awaited Soon I would know who I was What I was capable of becoming By twenty three I was in full bloom A fantastic family A beautiful house A wonderful lifestyle At forty I knew something was wrong These weren't my roots, neither my shoots It all began to feel very uncomfortable My shoots only blossomed when I behaved in a certain way No freedom to express ME ~ These shoots were carefully tied to an immoveable frame The blossom only appeared under the most controlled of circumstances Clipped and pruned to within an inch of my life One exquisite blossom a year These weren't my roots, neither my shoots At forty five I realized Me, the tiny seed, scooped up at twenty Put in a cold store to prevent true germination Carefully packaged to show the world a wonderful extension of someone else Packaged by a promotions expert So expertly done ~ all saw the blossom, none noticed the lack of perfume No one could see the seed in cold store ~ not even me And then I did I saw a tiny seed slowly dehydrating, dark and cold, life force slipping away And I made a decision I wanted to see what that seed would grow in to At forty seven the seed rattled and rattled in the packaging until the layers came loose The seed was free Vulnerable and new, the seed took stock In shock the seed stood still awhile And then it started to happen The seed began to grow The virgin shoot pushed and pushed at the tough outer shell until one day There before the world stood a brand new plant A plant with true roots, a firm stem and tender leaves unfurling Feeling the sun and the moon, the rain and the stars This is different This is so much better I may never make it to full bloom or be a prize specimen to be gasped over again And it's great This is real Who knows how I will grow, grow I will and it will be ME I turn to face the sun every day I rejoice in the adventure of life I grow into being all I'm capable of, the best that I can be This is real This is living Breathing, looking, feeling and walking Deciding, choosing, living and talking Just like a developing child; an adolescent learning Just like an endless beginning a genuine yearning Independent, supported or alone Beg, borrow, or maybe one day I'll even own There is definitely a light and it is calling me Close my eyes spread my wings and I will fly free No more shame, pretend, cheap smiles and lies No more ifs, buts, maybes or whys? Sitting the dark The TVs on No one speaks But the furry I feel inside my stomach lining is turning A bird with no sound many nights laying in bed, you beside me, a million thoughts 200% full of emotion and if I were to speak, I would then have to bare your revolt And I grow resentful inside of who I have become, paying too high a price for peace This trap, you rescued me, but then you wanted my soul So I holdback my talking, to make things okay, when they clearly are not But my wings are down and to fight with you would leave me exhausted the next day And I have to keep flying, AM report to work Take care of to others emotions and there are so many bricks on my shoulders to support So my silence was your enemy I realized I could never give you enough It was your fear of abandonment that made me leave And there is no fixing this There is only separate lives And I need to soar once again. You met me in the spring; my garden was just beginning to bloom.
If I cry alone, am I like the tree falling in the forest? Tentative shoots reaching up through the soil Green, tender, cautious, unsure.
You came with your scythe; cut down, and trampled the ground, leaving your prints all over the soil.
Love to the Limit As your fist hits my face Your imprints are left upon my cheek As I scream in an outrage You laugh to keep from feeling guilt I LOVE YOU!
I scream You laugh once again and reply with a kick I’m sorry, I’m sorry Falling to my knees Begging and pleading But you say nothing And I think why does this have to be me Your brain filled with insanity I don’t know what’s next You punch me in the stomach And continue with vital threats As I lie on the pain bruised and in pain No movement from my body Just my blood and your shame I try to weep for help But there’s no one to hear I start to grasp for breath But you choose not to hear You turn your back and walk away Leaving me to be I knew this was the end How could you do this to me?
Sometimes I tended the weeds and neglected the flowers; ignored the weaker delicate ones, not knowing their worth. I opened the gates and you entered where no other had been before.
At first you helped; you showed me how to support the young trees, so they would grow straight and strong, you brought new flowers to my garden and we planted together. But I could not maintain it and the weeds encroached.